I had other plans for this writing today, but then, I woke up consumed with the "event" that happened to me literally seconds before I stepped into a secured testing room to take the January 2025 LSAT.
I know how this whole thing is going to sound if you're White, Woke-white, and Not-White. Mostly, it will sound like an excuse, some "out" for whatever my test score ends up being. I will not know my test score until the score is released on the release date, at which point the school I hope to attend will also know. Thus, at this time, I do not know my LSAT score. I have no idea what it even might be. And so, my telling of this story is not intended as an excuse for whatever outcome comes. My relaying of the thing that happened to me is for everyone out there who looks just like me, namely, youngish (under forty, although, I am only barely under forty), asian, female, women, living in These United States. And if you think that I'm somehow happy to have had this experience to write about and share to this fucking website, please, as kindly as you can to yourself, GO FUCK YOURSELF.
What happened to me, literally, as I was walking to be wanded (metal-detected) before entering a secured testing facility to take the January 2025 LSAT was a microaggression brought upon me by the ONLY WHITE WOMAN OVER THE AGE OF THIRTY IN THE ENTIRE FACILITY. To be fair, she looked totally torn up about the situation after it was realized. Nevertheless, the thing happened, and then I walked into a secured testing facility and took the LSAT.
First off, if you've never tested in a testing facility, then you're going to have to use your imagination. If you have tested in a testing facility, then you're probably familiar with the testing-proctor Prometric. We, the bodybuddy/lifemate&i, were familiar with Prometric, because the bodybuddy/lifemate, back during the happy-covid times, took the CFA Level 1 test at a Prometric testing center in Longmont. He described it to me back then, and we never thought of it again, until, literally, two months ago when I started all this nonsense.
I was excited that I could take the test in-person at a testing facility. I knew what to expect, and I was prepared.
The thing about these testing facilities is security. They MUST be able to assure their clients that all of these tests are taken by the people who say they are taking it, that nobody cheated, etc., etc., etc. And so, everyone checks in with an ID, signs stuff, and is assigned a locker. I was the first person to check in that day (even after going to the bathroom before checking in), and the older white woman was the first person I saw, and then a younger asian-looking woman saw me and walked toward the check-in desk. I'm not going to lie, I felt an immense feeling of relief. I informed her that I was taking the LSAT but wondered if I could use the bathroom really quick before I check in. The younger asian woman smiled at me, and said, of course. I did not have to enter the secured area of the testing facility to use the bathroom.
We don't have a car. We could've used the bus system, easily, but I walk my ass to my job every night, and it wakes me the fuck up, so we walked. We walked to the testing center from our apartment. We walked for about an hour. I had to pee real bad. I was nervous as fuck, and I had a plan for test week, and we were following the plan. I had a plan for Test Day, and we were following the plan. We even knew that we'd arrive at Menstruation Station on Test Day. (I went to bed last night thinking that I was going to write a whole post about the final weeks leading up to Test Day, and detail every day of test week, but then I woke up needing to write about this, and so, that post will have to wait, but it will be written.)
I had to pee, and I just had to start late. Please! For the love of Ladybug, please just let this be a cycle that starts LATE! Or EARLY! Just, like, please not on time. PLEASE! Come Test Day, I hadn't started, and luckily, I did not start that day. I share this because I find GenZ to be inspiring in this way. I also share to really flesh out the full complexity of my mind-state as I sat for the fucking January 2025 LSAT! Fuck! How we can even hope to compare the test scores of men and women is fucking laughable to me! Fuck you!
Anyway, everything was going great, in that department. I peed, then checked in.
Like I said, I saw the white lady, and I couldn't pinpoint her purpose, so I pushed her from my mind, like everyone else in the facility, and prepared myself for the test.
Fifteen minutes before test time, I went to the bathroom one last time. I really didn't want to have to go during the test, obviously. So, I went one last time, composed myself, and got in line to be wanded. As I was walking to get in line, the white lady approached me, and said something to the effect of, "Oh, hi, so I will be your proctor today, and you've got this nice private room all to yourself." My mind was in fifth gear. I was mentally prepared to take the fucking LSAT. I saw everything, and the first thing I saw was the paper in her hand, and I caught a glimpse of the name on the sheet of paper. I told the white lady, "Oh, I'm not taking a paper test," to which she responded, "Oh, I know." And then I knew this white lady was confused. I immediately removed her from my mind as the young asian woman called me in to get wanded. The white lady followed next to me and the young asian woman said, "Oh, no, this isn't her." The white lady looked horrified, and I was in no state to console her. I brushed off the entirety of the situation as the young asian woman walked me through the rest of the process, and then through the doors into the secure testing room, where she showed me my desk, and told me what to do.
&then, I took the fucking January 2025 LSAT.
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| Greatness is not a flex Being Great is Who You Are |
If you have no idea what I went through this day, consider yourself white, of some variety. The reason, from my perspective, the interaction is considered a microaggression is because, sure, maybe the white lady mixes up all people. Maybe she's just old and she mixes up white people, too, and sure, white people do get mixed up, but it's not a joke like it is to mix up asian people. It's true. We do all look alike, IF YOU DO NOT KNOW MORE THAN ONE ASIAN.
Here's the thing: I fucking live in fucking Honolulu, Hawai'i. Hawai'i is a state with a population that is MAJORITY ASIAN, and the ONE WHITE LADY OVER THE AGE OF THIRTY that I had to interact with on this day mixed me up with another asian. The only solace I've been able to find is in the fact that I glimpsed the name on the paper, and the person in question is a korean woman, or at least, a woman of korean descent. (i didn't see the first name, and since we all checked-in in an area where we could easily overhear each other's names, i do not feel that it's an issue that i saw her last name.) Also, fun fact, I saw about a dozen other test takers that day. Two were male asians, and one was a white female. ALL OTHERS WERE ASIAN WOMEN UNDER FORTY; my comrades in arms!
White people are relentless!
Even in a state with a majority asian population, whiteness can still attack us in the most unlikely of ways.
In the end, I feel no spiteful feelings toward that white lady. She looked so distraught the other couple times I saw her throughout the test, and she was smart enough not to open her mouth at me, even though she was staring. I could feel her sending me good vibes, so that was alright. She wasn't trying to tear me down or sabotage me. I'd be a complete narcissist if I thought that. I also wouldn't have been able to push her from my mind so effectively if I thought she was personally attacking me. Her problems have nothing to do with me. I'm just collateral damage of her whiteness. Par for the course. I also have no desire to report her in any official way, because it's possible that she helped me out by lighting me on fire.
This is all rumination after the fact.
She reminded me why I was there. She represented everything that I'm fighting against and for all at the same time. She forced me to remember why I was even doing this.
I'm joining the fight.
And honestly, I think I'm going to Rule the World some day.
*it is my hope, my one true wish, that if you are a hot, high-achieving asian female who grew up in america, you maybe have not heard these exact words accusing you of your greatness, but you have experienced and do understand words that have induced this analogous feeling, and if my hope and wish is true, then i'm here to remind you that fulfilling your greatness is not some flex or brag, it is you being YOU, and it is my opinion that if someone doesn't like this or has to tear you down, they're proving you correct, and no, nobody really gets to go along with you, but we will all hopefully find each other along the way or at our pinnacles. *sail on*
[end note added 22jan25] i woke up this night with the realization about what the most annoying thing about this old white lady is/was, and that annoying thing is that ALL of this could've been respectfully avoided if she had just fucking verified by identity, but that is not the White-Way, for the White-Way is paved by Supremacy and the idea that being White makes you "all-knowing" *vomits*