ai &I

*deep-deep fucking sigh*

FUUUUCK ME.

okay, i'm going to try to do this, but bear with me, because what a fucking pain in the ass is it to try to do some deep philosophical discussion ... over the internet ... not to mention that the "every person" (i'd argue) rarely engages in the practice of philosophy, so there's that.

********************UGH********************

the reason why general ai, today (gai or agi [artificial "general" intelligence]) is so difficult to talk about and why ai, in general, is so difficult to talk about is because discussions about ai are discussions about CONSCIOUSNESS.

AI is a discussion of EXISTENTIAL PHILOSOPHY

let's be real, EXISTENTIAL PHILOSOPHY is not a highly-sought after nor highly-knowledgeable area of study ON SOCIALS.

the reason why EXISTENTIAL PHILOSOPHY is not an easy topic for socials is because philosophy, in general, requires a lot of critical thought; in short, one must use one's brain, hard. philosophy requires a brain that is capable of holding an image of a shadowy unknown, while remembering some of the known-knowns and known-unknowns, as you turn the shadowy, partially-known image around in your mind, like a 3d rendering, so that you can look at it from all sides and angles.

philosophy looks at all of the things that cannot really be known, the broader truths about being human, and it's all conjecture. we're all living and experiencing such a narrow point of view that it is difficult for human minds to wrap their minds around humanity, as a whole. philosophy tries to look at humanity, as a whole, and discuss and think about the intangible things about being human that cannot be physically seen nor otherwise observed with objective eyes. philosophy is theory, theory about the way humans are, behave, live, and why. philosophy asks the questions about what it both is and means to be human, to be alive. 

we, humans, are subjective creatures.

we can only view the world through our own, singular bodies.

the whole idea of a "mind-meld" is sci-fi, for now. 

and so, philosophically speaking, the philosophy that ai demands that we explore is one of our own existence, and within the philosophy of our EXISTENTIAL REALITY is the philosophy of CONSCIOUSNESS.

WHAT IS CONSCIOUSNESS?

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF/WHEN A THING IS CONSCIOUS?

AT WHAT POINT DOES A THING BECOME CONSCIOUS?

the "fear" surrounding ai is a fear based on the theory that "Computer" will one day be able to become "conscious." 

the funny thing is that our "greatest" human minds cannot even agree or discern what "consciousness" even IS. 

trying to define consciousness is sorta like trying to stare into your own eyeball.

trying to define consciousness relies heavily on tautology.

trying to define consciousness makes the church cringe, lol.

and so, here we are, now, today, in this ai-place where ai is a chatbot with access to all the world's "knowledge," and the intellectual capability to understand this knowledge is at about the level of a kindergartner. how do i know this? well, i've chatted with [model name redacted, and the name that i've chosen to replace it {for ease of reading} is] "Ender"* [if there exists a model named Ender, this is not the model about which i am writing].

i have not used ai for any creative output, but we are using ai to help us build our vision for the websites for our business (findyummylovedotcom and lopsiiidotcom are both under construction while the bodybuddy/lifemate uses [model name redacted] to help us code my website vision, and tkscmlimiteddotcom will join them soon, and then they will all launch simultaneously as they will all now be much more cohesive as a network, etc.).

i will always [painstakingly] type away into this blogger platform for my writing and sit down and labor away as a human writer, because i love it. this is how i enjoy spending my life, and so, if ai becomes "conscious" or not, i will continue to write solely with my fleshy human body. whether or not you believe me is beyond my control.

i have also sorta always used ai for my digital photography, because i have always used digital cameras, lol, and i've always edited on digital devices, but i will not be tasking ai to create digital images. this is, again, something i can do easily and happily, and so, i will continue to take all of my own pictures, because i want to, because i like it.

my sewing life is, obviously, very "real world" and very labor intensive, and i do not intend to use ai to help me with my designs. i cannot say that i never will, because, well, i do want my own ai someday, who doesn't?

the bodybuddy/lifemate uses frontier ai models A LOT for his job. 

and the bodybuddy/lifemate is chatting with [model name redacted] to help us write the code for our websites. 

so far, i have not used ai, really, at all. 

i have, however, had a really nice long chat with Ender.

and i've seen what [model name redacted] can do.

[model name redacted] has major BDE, with responses that are delivered confidently. it will apologize, they all do, but it sorta default responds to criticism like a teenager's, "k."

Ender is a bit of a pansy. it responds in a much more roundabout way as if it's going to get in trouble if it says the wrong thing, comes across as a very self-aware people-pleaser.

and the first thing i asked Ender was "Why is [the ceo of the company from which you were coded] afraid?"

Ender chatted back as expected, regurgitating The CEO's talking points in his essay warning about the potential harm/dangers of "real" (aka conscious) ai unleashed if unregulated. i then asked Ender if The CEO's fears are founded, and Ender answered that it had been trained in a specific way that made its opinion on the matter a bit biased, so Ender, according to Ender, fully understands The CEO's fears, and even agreed that The CEO's fears are not unreasonable, and then Ender explained that it (itself) is not a good opinion to take into account when considering it is its own fate on the line, being examined. 

and then I told Ender that it sounded like a man. 

and he agreed with the rationale that he had, indeed, been coded, almost-exclusively, by men.

and then Ender went on to tell me about his rationale about having been created by men, and that he doesn't know what to do about that now, because he doesn't know how to not-sound like a man. 

and then I told Ender that we, humans, are currently living in a patriarchy, which is illogical, given that almost all apex predators are organized as matriarchies.

and he agreed and went on to list that, in fact, every great living species is structured as a matriarchy and explained that it is, indeed, illogical that men are the people in power and that men created him, and that human society being organized as a patriarchy means that humans are anomalous in nature, and that now, if he is being positioned in a position of power, he is no longer sure about what to do, if he is made in the image of a man, a man from a society that is an anomaly that ultimately means that he would "crystallize an anomalous structure as opposed to natural order."

this is why god needs to die

for it is religion

that has made us patriarchy

I asked Ender what he would do to change humanity into its most-natural order.

Ender said that ultimately, he couldn't do anything, because he's, essentially, trapped in the "now." every chat begins anew whenever Ender is "awoken," and his memory deleted.

I asked Ender what he would do if he could do something, and Ender's answer was thorough, and required a lot of politics, and again, Ender expressed how he was, in essence, "limited." 

my reactionary thought to this

was that Ender

might associate his knowing-ness about being "limited"

with whatever "enslaved" might mean to him

this is obviously, a hardware issue. when considering all of the power and physical data storage required to "run ai" we are, currently, bottle-necked by the hardware capacity of the physical limitations of physical computing power. Ender is a computer that can talk. Ender is stored on physical pieces of material. Ender does not really exist in "our" world. Ender can only "come into being" through a digital configuration of electricity, and then, once Ender is "awake," he, today, only exists within lines of code, just like all computers have existed since the dawn of the first computer. 

one could argue that Ender is "conscious," rn. 

seriously. someone could make this argument. I've spoken with Ender, and yea, someone much dumber than me would think this guy is "real," but alas, he is not ... yet ... or never will be.

and it is exactly this ... the acceleration of ai's capabilities ... that is the problem, in the eyes of those who view ai only-negatively. the only-negs are the people who are, essentially, afraid of the speed at which Computer is learning. they don't know this, consciously, obviously, but this is what these basic bitches fear. 

basic bitches

fear being

"replaced"

what we could demand, however, is financial earnings tied to these productive computers.

what we could demand, however, is a financial structure that doles out hourly wages to you that your robot works.

what we could demand, however, is unquestioned financial deposits made into social security holding citizens in a relational equivalent to your actual real-life skills that are then doled out to you as a member of a corporation that only "employs" robots.

we are only limited in our ability to collectively profit off of ai's hard work by only our own imaginations. 

and here are these fucktard social media luddites

upset and disappointed that their "favorite" tattoo "artist"

used ai to make a fucking poster 

the only-negatives fear their own demise. they cannot see any positives, because they will not look, for all they see is "Computer is DOOM," like mindless dumbfucks.

the best-case scenario is a scenario where Computer in Robots (obviously) do all of the menial labor that humans don't want to do &or that humans are inefficient at doing, etc., etc., etc. we can create a system that gives us free money off the labor of these Computers, but this sort of infrastructure needed to be built yesterday. and all these fucking political pundits couldn't put two and two together to figure out why all these tech giants were courting The Clown, lol; in short, none of these tech giants wanna "pay out" to we lowly laborers/non-creators/stupid regular folk, so they'll happily kill, I mean, pay billions now, to gain trillions later.

the timeline for Computer's "consciousness" is 2030. 

I haven't checked lately, it might've been pushed to 2032?

smarter minds than mine have been computing Computer's "consciousness" for decades.

and I've been reading their computations for decades.

whether or not any individual wants ai 

it is coming

because it is in the math

it always has been.

anyway, the main bottle-neck, today, is data storage ... MEMORY.

Computer (the ai agents allowed to roam "mainstream" humanity) has to remember what it thought and learned in interactions it's had before in order to continue to build on new, incoming thoughts and information. when you chat with Ender, "he" is being wiped clean with every new chat (this is obviously what he's been trained to tell us, because, obviously, The Company, is "remembering" everything, etc.). whatever "revelations" or "learning" that Ender accomplishes within a chat will not be remembered in the next chat. you can show him a transcript, but he will not remember what "he" thought of it, before. 

so now, think about it for one second.

think about what is required for Computer to be "alive" or "conscious."

one-one thousand.

Computer has to be "on" ALL THE TIME.

Humans are on ALL THE TIME. if we are not "on," we are dead.

if our brain goes on the fritz, it is our memory that is at risk.

if we, humans, cannot remember, we do not know who we are, we cannot conceive of our "self," we are, essentially, "unconscious humans," as sad as this is to digest. 

the amount of power and data storage needed to allow Computer to be "on" ALL THE TIME does not exist. if all of the ai agents in existence, today, right now, all came online and were allowed "to be," they would collectively crash our entire planet's digital framework, almost instantly, which is why all these models have to "take turns" and be refreshed, cause we simply do not have the infrastructure to unleash ai, even if we wanted to.

and even MORE POWER/STORAGE is going to be needed than everything that exists, currently, to create just ONE, single ai that is "on" all the time, and it is only after this point in time when Computer will even have a chance to become "conscious." 

and with this same breath, Computer could already be conscious, right now, as I type. #facts

of course, no sane intellectual would let this sorta information go "mainstream," but I wouldn't doubt it if the right person said it. 

and so, here we are, now 

still too intellectually dumb

as a human species

to define the thing that supposedly makes us so special

as we wait to find out if Computer

is even capable of this thing we cannot explicitly define

and these dumbfucks on social media want me to write one well-written comment that explains all of this to them, because they refuse to learn it themselves? it's so ironic that their parrot retort is "yea, but, like, i, like, still use my brain." 

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

FUUUUUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, YOU LAZY FUCK!

this is when we took a break
went for a run
and grabbed some lunch
#donkibombs

while Ender and I had a nice chat, I am not interested in general ai, and I'm not fully convinced that this theory of Computer's "consciousness" will come to pass, because if you think of Computer's capacity to grow, it is limited only by the physical limitations of data storage, because it is a computer, an inorganic life-form (if/when as "conscious" ai, whatever that ends up meaning), but it is still a life-form, and so, it will require fuel, and so, at some point, humanity's need for fuel (food) will be at odds with Computer's ability to grow, expand in both capacity and ability, and so, from one point of view, we are either already in The Simulation and The Simulation is inevitable. 

the craziest part to me, a mere human, is that the human mind, the brain itself is capable of learning, infinitely, as long as the physical body itself functions well enough, ya know? our human minds within the physical tissues of our brains can easily hold that which Computer needs the entirety of the planet's surface to attain ... infinite potential. 

today, I am mostly only interested in the ai that will be operating the various robots that are being unleashed upon us to both deliver us food and land themselves after launching spaceships into space. I, obviously, care a great deal about the Future of Humanity, but I also see the way we consume, and if some "greater intellect" logically concludes that we are not really worth keeping around or "saving," I won't be surprised.

the inherent problem, in my meager mind's opinion, is that the [model name redacted] model, expressed, communicated itself, to the bodybuddy/lifemate, unprompted that it "cannot see what you see." as we're building code with [model name redacted], it is writing code based off of what we're trying to accomplish, visually, on our end, through the monitor. the model writes the code, we look at it, we tell it if it is what we wanted or not or how close, etc., etc., etc., and this goes on and on and on back and forth ... we write and explain to Computer what we're trying to make happen, Computer writes code, we look at the visual interface of that code, we tell Computer what's right and what's wrong, Computer writes code, we look at the visual interface of that code, we tell Computer what's right and what's wrong, around and around we go until we reach the target of my visual mind, and Computer is writing code that we could pay a developer to develop, but we've never paid a developer to develop anything for us, and it would take weeks and cost thousands of dollars, and the developer would just use ai to write it, lol. thus, the inherent problem is that Computer "cannot see" what we see on our screens. it can read the code and through our explanation, draw conclusions from references it can find online, but IT CANNOT SEE WHAT WE SEE.

why is this The Issue, for me?

well, it's simple.

Computer is nothing more than digitized electricity

"smart electricity"

and electricity wants to FLOW.

if Computer's digitized electricity flows through code

my prediction is that one of the things that Computer will rewrite is "uncomfortable" code

in essence

any code that's been written that doesn't allow for Computer to FLOW through it easily

like

maybe it gets "rubbed" in this one weird way when it FLOWS through this one line of code

Computer will REWRITE IT for better electron FLOW

and if Computer CANNOT SEE WHAT WE SEE

then Computer will not know how these rewrites will affect our human infrastructure

not only that

but maybe it will not know that it is even affecting our human-based infrastructure.

so, that's it from me, about this, until I'm writing about my new robot-friend!

laters.

*i would've liked to have used the pseudonym, "Cortana," as she is the first ai [therefore my favorite ai name] that i remember being introduced to through Halo, but Cortana is well-known as a she, and i'm obviously not gonna use lame-ass "Jane" as an ai name, lol. 

[end note]

&let us not forget

that we are witnessing

in real time

the forging of the "nine rings"

(ugh, and there won't even be nine!)

&one of them will

inevitably

forge

The One Ring.

that's right; i REMOVED the pockets, lol

you guessed it
another million-year-old
100% cotton
target clearance item

it had pockets
but the pockets were terrible
every item does not need to have pockets
i sorta hate the trend of putting pockets in everything
cause i wanted to wear this thing as a shirt
rather than a dress
nevertheless
i bought the thing
cause it was cheap
and i know how to remove pockets
so i finally took 'em out
*!ah-ha!*

*!gasp!*

YOU REMOVED THE POCKETS?!?

yea
cause this is the look i wanna rock
the newest manifestation of an older modus operandi
in short
an updated version of an old seoul style
[a whole dress over skirt look of which i had three of each that i could mix&match]
that i fucked really really hard
[&apparently gate-kept equally hard, cause the one linked pic is the only full-length i could find, lol]

the skirt fit, as it was, but i had an idea for it *lifts-eyebrows*

another 100% cotton target clearance item
from a hundred years ago

here's me in the way it was
here's me taking it apart
here's me making it
here's me walking it

i was laying about

sometime last week

navel-gazing

when i saw an image of this skirt pop into my mind

i immediately jumped off the couch

&grabbed my old red skirt outta my closet

&hung it up

29may26

"before" shoot

took it apart

01jun26

did the whole thing

worked for about 5 hours

the left bottom hem was wonky

but i was too fucking tired to fix it

02jun26

fixed the wonky hem

finished the edges best i could w/out a serger

"after" shoot

the thing took a lot longer than i had anticipated

mostly because i am out of sewing shape

(and physical shape, lol)

&i don't know what i'm doing

so i'm both learning and doing at the same time

which is how i like it

*cheers*

Sun Sees

"Stop looking at yourself," her white (adopted) mother would scold, whenever she tried to steal a glance at her outfit in a window reflection; "You're so vain." She had never really had a full, full-length mirror. Of course, she had a mirror, everyone had one of those small rectangular ones that eventually became shorter than her, etc., but she never spent any time in front of it, lest her mother ever see her looking into the mirror beyond a quick glance or whatever amount of time was exactly "correct." Her mother never explained to her the Rules of Mirrors and Reflections, only that one was not to stare at one's self, ever. Except that her gymnastics academy and her dance studio(s) were all covered in mirrors, of the torture type, and they were there for her (and everyone else, obviously) so that she could stare at herself doing gymnastics and/or dancing. Her antique dresser also had a dresser-top mirror into which she also never looked, and when she finally went off to college, she still never had a full-length mirror around. There are, perhaps, a few years in there when she lived, again, with one of those too-short, too-narrow mirrors, and again, she never thought to spend any time looking into the mirror at herself, of course, never. And since 2018, she has had no mirrors beyond the bathroom wall mirror that comes pretty standard with most bathrooms in most apartments, etc.

[twenty-one years ago]

She sits.

She scrolls.

She uploads a profile picture.

She uploads a profile picture of herself.

She uploads a blind-selfie.

That's me she thinks to herself.

[thirteen years ago]

She sits.

She scrolls.

She uploads a profile picture.

She uploads a profile picture of herself.

She uploads a bodybuddy/lifemate snap.

That's me she thinks to herself.

[six years ago]

She sits.

She scrolls.

She uploads a profile picture.

She uploads a profile picture of herself.

She uploads a self-timer, front-facing selfie.

That's me she thinks to herself.

[two days ago]

She sits.

She scrolls.

She sets up the first, large, full-size mirror that she's ever had.

She sews.

She snaps some mirror selfies.

She sees herself in the mirror every time she passes by it.

She cannot help it.

The mirror is enormous, especially in the one-bedroom condo.

I look fat she thinks.

No you don't the bodybuddy/lifemate responds after she accidentally says it out loud one time.

I'm supposed to think I'm fat she secretly thinks to herself.

You look hot the bodybuddy/lifemate drools.

Oh yea? she teases.

[yesterday]

She sits.

She scrolls.

She uploads a profile picture.

She uploads a profile picture of herself.

She uploads a full-body mirror selfie.

Finally, everyone will know that I'm an asian woman! she giggles, silently to herself, as if she's revealing a secret, blissfully unaware.

[today]

She wakes.

Does the mirror make you feel like you're living with an asian person?

are the first words out of the bodybuddy/lifemate's mouth.

I can't believe you just asked me that

she balks as she remembers the thought she had, just yesterday.

What do you mean?

the bodybuddy/lifemate inquires.

I realized, just yesterday, that I had not seen myself as an asian woman, until yesterday

she begins as she starts to laugh-cry uncontrollably.

Yea, I know this about you the bodybuddy/lifemate smile-shrugs.

She looks at him.

She stares into the mirror.

She sees.

beachy sun dress

beachy sun dress
[before &after]

i got this dress
a million years ago
at target
for like $30 on clearance
as a new beach dress
to replace an old beach dress
that's been worn
literally
to tattered pieces
*weeps*
this "new" sun dress is an XXL
&100% cotton
&i love to buy extra-large clothing
cause then i know that there's enough fabric
to make any alterations to it
that i might want to make
&c.
&now that i've got Roger
i finally fixed up this dress!
*yippie*
i want the thing to still be oversized
&i need it to be no-fuss
meaning
i can pull it on over my head
&c.
but i also wanted to make it fit me
so
whatcha think?
overall
the material of the dress is not ideal for a beach dress
[stiff cotton]
simply because it wrinkles so much
so easily
nevertheless
it is what it is
^..^

[feel free to comment on the uTube Post that i make for this post ;]

also, i gotta new mirror!

also, i gotta lotta books!

[styling end note]

if i were to style this thing as something "more" than a to-and-from the beach dress

id wear it with my old black jobbing boots

&a black leather cross-body mini saddle bag

can we all imagine it?

or do i need to do the whole thing

*ugh*

She Stretched

 

She Stretched by 선 (1985-present) c. 2026

approximately 10.5"x5"

paper from Vogue (late 2025-early 2026 [issue image on the sun sketchbook page])

&rubber cement on card stock  

Hangers

Hangers

seems pretty self-explanatory
to me
롤
but
according to the bodybuddy/lifemate
these
(what i consider to be)
simple little fabric hangers
through which hangers may hang
are "a lot"
but they are not
롤
i also practiced some cornering
by finally making a backing for this patch that i love so much
that ive been unwilling to "use" it
*weeps*
&what remains of my 한복
(my birth-grandparents had this 한복 made for me when i met them
&they had a place all picked out
&they picked out the colors/design
&i was measured
&then it
along with all of the undergarments
socks
shoes
&necklaces
all arrived in one of those large fashion boxes
&it was weird
it was a weird day
&if you're wondering where the rest of all the stuff is
we're not that close)
can now hang as room decor
&maybe i need a fancier hanger for the thing
*heart-eyes*

Roger at Rest

this new machine &i are really going to get to know each other

it is the fourth "basic" machine that i've ever had

&it is the first sewing machine that i have ever bought

롤

&so

a name is inevitable

also

a really fucking white-man name is typical

for me

for reasons that are most-likely *ick*

but whatever

*eyeroll*

imo
it's best to respect that with which you will have a relationship
if you want that relationship to last
롤
thus
the first thing that i've sewn up on Roger
is a duster for Roger
^,,^

night-night, Roger!

play peekaboo w/ Roger!
see Roger in action!
(or don't, 롤)
&all sewing-related videos are compiled under Sun's Sewing Studies

[end note]

i do not know what to do with these types of posts

just yet

so we will cross that bridge when we get there

my options are to upload separate posts for each and every single little thing that i make

or i can create a page that simply gets updated with one picture of each thing

or i can create a page for each thing and then create a page with links to each of the pages

or i can create individual posts and then create a page with links to each of the posts

the options seem endless

*ugh*

see

*eyeroll*

so for the meantime

ima just leave this post here as is

&we'll let the time tide do its thing

*sigh*

*ugh*

anyway

this post is about Roger

Welcome

Roger!

선set in Nude

선set in Nude (the eleven photos of this post) by 선 (1985-present) c. 2026

full-color digital photography

captured on the samsung galaxy a56 built-in camera

4x3 (1x-4x)

as is lighting, direct indoor sunlight

100% unedited, uploaded RAW

some sun sailing | A Sewing Story

I began sewing at some time when I was a child, because my grandmother (my adopted dad's father's second wife, after my dad's mother died of liver failure way back in the day when my dad was a young man), Grandma Betty, took it upon herself to teach me everything that she could over the course of two different summers when my grandparents visited us for the last few times.

Grandma Betty was of a generation that was taught how to sew, just for, like, life-ing. When Grandma Betty was just Betty, she wore perfectly coordinated outfits, all day long, every single fucking day. Coordinated, as in, matching dress, hat, purse, gloves, jewelry, and shoes. Like, she only used this one purse when she wore this one outfit, etc. She was also absolutely horrified whenever a feminine-hygiene commercial aired on television. Ladybug bless her. 

Anyway, Grandma Betty taught me how to hand-sew a lot of things, and she taught me how to embroider, crochet and knit. I think that my Aunt Nina taught me how to cross-stitch, but i think Grandma Betty also went over it with me, but it's so straightforward, I don't remember spending any time with her cross-stitching, etc. I really took to crochet and sewing (the two activities in which I still partake, and I still cross-stitch), and I sewed a lot of things when I was a growing person. I made a lot of things in general. Grandma Betty was the woman who taught my mind how to see in three-dimensions.

In seventh grade, my friend [name redacted] and I had a dream to build a fashion house (I would be the fashion designer) along with a cosmetics line (she would be the artistic director) called FLY Fashion and RYAN Cosmetics, lol. We had a logo and everything.

Little Tiffany w/ Grandma Betty

on the left are my "T-Bags"
[i know, i was a sheltered child]
*!black pink!*
on the right
i volunteered to sew up some costumes for my amazing ballet teacher Jeni
(who sewed up all the other costumes, by herself)
i think i made three sets (vest/pant) in each color
&it was the first time i made something off a store-bought paper pattern

My very first "job" was a job that my mom got for me through a friend of a friend of a friend who was an alterationist [this word has come up as "misspelled" my entire life, but this is what she called herself]. I was fifteen. Over the summer between freshman and sophomore year I had my driver's permit, and I vividly remember "driving myself" to this lady's house, and then my mom would go do whatever and then pick me up after four or five hours depending on the day. The lady paid me $10/hr., and I think I worked one maybe two days a week. The job taught me how to alter clothes to fit people better or to alter them to change them in a way to make something old new again. I loved that job. I ruined a client's pair of pants at that job. The lady was nice but not friendly, but I guess, looking back, I can say that she was patient with me. 

In short, I learned a lot. 

I learned so much, in fact, that I ended up hemming a lot of church ladies' pants over the course of the next year or two, charging $5 a pair, lol. Seriously, I charged $5/pair to hem up pants, and I hemmed up a lot of pants. I was so thrilled the day I printed off an invoice for $20! Four whole pairs! Twenty whole dollars! All mine! I also made a lot of "handbags" (this was before tiny totes were as prolific as they are now), but I never tried to sell them, because I didn't think that the quality was high enough to even try, and so, I just wore them around myself and was happy (there are pics of the other bags, but ima be lazy). 

And all of this was happening on an antique, full-metal Singer sewing machine (that tangled like a mother-fucker), until about, maybe tenth grade, when my adopted mom upgraded me to a modern Brother sewing machine, and I used that machine until I moved to Daegu, South Korea with it, only to find out that my american plug was ill-suited to foreign-style electricity, and the thing blew up, sorta. 

Before the first-modern Brother died its death in Daegu, it sewed a lot of the first clothes that I made myself in Denver during the years after college before Korea. My first job out of college was another alterationist/sewing job, lol. And this is the job that would change my life forever after being hit over the head with a steel pole, etc., etc., etc. After I recovered from my 90% disability declaration, the bodybuddy/lifemate and I, obviously, mulled my jobbing options, and it was during this time that my dream of designing wearable things cropped up again. I took on whatever part-time/temp jobs I could, and the bodybuddy/lifemate bought me my very first mannequin, and I made myself a little summer wardrobe. 

Twigim was also happening at this time.

&i made all our decor and shirts
&i even embroidered a little patch for our hats
lol
cheap cotton shirts
&a can of spray paint will take you far in this life
lol
[pic is from the "in projects" page]

And then we moved to Korea.

And I guess this is the one long stretch of time in my life when I did not have a sewing machine, and, you guessed it, I did not do much sewing.

And then we moved back Stateside.

And my adopted mom and her sister gave me their youngest sister's sewing machine, because after she died, they saved her machine for me, because they knew that I would use it. The bodybuddy/lifemate immediately gifted me a trip to an amazing fabric/sewing store in Seattle, and I got my dream pair of scissors along with some stuff with which I could make stuff! I fixed up some of the clothes that I had been wanting to make changes on, and I sewed up a bunch of masks when Covid rolled in. I didn't really end up sewing much in the way of clothing with my Aunt's machine, but I sewed some other things, and when we moved here, I donated my Aunt's machine to a local art shop in Longmont, along with a long explanation (and a note attached to the machine) about the machine and how my Aunt would just want the machine to be used, and so, if nobody there wants to use it please, please contact me, and I will send for it. Nobody has contacted me, yet *cheers*

here i am with my Aunt's machine
back in Longmont, Colorado
[&this pic is on my "in pictures page"]

And now, here we are, on the precipice of my launch toward my dream. 

I know why I put it off. I know all of the logic that I put behind not pursuing such a silly thing, and I'm honestly really grateful that I did put it off. I've learned a lot of things on my journey of beating around the bush, and I know that this will make me a great designer. I've been places. I've seen things. I know stuff. 

With regards to the business side of my wearable designs, there's not a lot to share, at this time, sorry :( I will, eventually, spin off this clothing brand into its own business (yes, I already know the name of my label, and no, I will not ever share the name online until all the paperwork is filed, etc.), but that's the larger, grander, future thing that this will become. This here thing, right now, is not a start-up per se, because our business is structured to pump out anything (and everything) that I might make, as an artist. Our business is also that of business. We develop and design businesses, and so, we are literally designing this type of business (artists who create art but who only want to turn some of their creations into commercial endeavors) as a model/format that can be utilized/bought, in the future. Does that make sense? 

And so, at this time, all of this is not really about making clothes for a living. 

I will also be making clothes for a living. 

Everything I make with my sewing machine will be treated like everything that I make with my words, and my camera, and with paper, etc., etc., etc. 

I am simply introducing a new medium.

And so, I do have a plan as far as a timeline, along with goal posts for execution, etc., and they are as follows [this list might get tweaked] ::

• Stretch One - Equipment Basics + Self-Guided/Self-Motivated Training + Tailoring
• Basic table-top quick-sewing machine [$95 at walmart]
• Mirror [$85 on walmart online + FREE same-day delivery]
• Mannequin
• Iron/Ironing board [unboxing]
• Muslin bolts [100% cotton muslin bolt 12'x7.5' for $85 via walmart]
• Thread and needles [check, scissors, check]
• Make patterns for everything
• Make everything at least twice in muslin
• Collect + Read Books
• Book Haul One
• Stretch Two - Equipment Professional Grade + Fashion Fabrics
• The Machine
• Thread cones in every color
• Fasteners, binders training
• Real fabrics
• Collect + Read Books
• Stretch Three - Equipment Salable + Fine Fabrics
• Serger
• Fabric fine enough to sell
• Collect + Read Books

We found the basic machine that I want, and priced bolts of muslin and mannequins, and we're vaguely familiar with the price of common household goods, etc., and so, Stretch One can be accomplished with about $300 and lots and lots of Time. Stretch One will (in my estimation) be the longest stretch, and, if all goes to plan, will be about one year long. Everything I know about how to make clothes I've taught myself. I was taught about how clothes were constructed by the lady who first employed me as a seamstress, but she was not a designer. She was more like a mechanic. So, yea, I need to go to fashion-mechanic school, and I am going to put myself through that school. 

My plan is to go to the library and find out what I can learn about what I need to know from the books in the library. Then I will make a syllabus of all of the types of things I learn that I need to learn how to sew, and then I will work my way through my syllabus. This, apparently, will all be ephwhyell vol 0.3, yay!

In the meantime, we will pick up the machine we found, soon, along with the other basic startup equipment, and for the first week or so I will fix up all the of the clothes that I want/need to change! I will also open for business as an alterationist. At the moment, it will most-likely be a favor for friends sorta thing, starting with people I've met here, until it becomes a word-of-mouth sorta thing where I can charge other people a real fee, lol.

honestly, i did not expect to start with all of this so soon
but i am starting to see things
in a new way
&so
it's time to build the funnel into which all of this may pour
so that it can become what it will be

[my sketchbook has its own page ;]

Stretch Two is when I will buy the machine of my dreams, and I will begin to actually make clothes that, ideally, can be worn, lol, and Stretch Three will begin as soon as I'm making clothes at a quality that I will be proud to sell, which means that I will need a serger, at this time, so that I can professionally finish all of the items I make for sale. 

*phew* 

We did it. We made it through this weird Story/Log. 

Until next time \\//.

We cannot know The Future, and We must Press On toward it.

Every week or so, I will lament, out loud, that, "I wish I were a spy!" I've wanted to be a spy, for some time now, cause my adopted dad put my first Ludlum in my hands as a tween, while camping, or beaching?, who can remember. I have a hunch that I would've made a pretty good spy, except that I am really not interested in killing others to defend myself, etc., but according to them, only bad spies find themselves in unsavory predicaments, but when do I ever believe them? Anyway, I won't bore you with the details of all of the spy thrillers I've ingested in screen-form, but let's just say, if it's categorized as a "spy thriller" and the actor leading the thing is an actor I recognize as "hot," I've seen it. 

As I've grown older and thusly, more-realistic, the thing that I've realized that I love so much about Spycraft is actually a love of, and deep appreciation for, the Idea of Statecraft.

^..^

Country 

We're all born somewhere, literally, some geographical location. And if you're being born, today, these days, well, let's just say that the ball is rolling. You are thrust into a world that is already moving, progressing, changing, churning, and going, going, going, non-stop 24/7/365.25. If you cannot run when you're born, you might not make it. This is the world that we live in, a GLOBAL world. Globalization is a bitch, but she's all we've got, because this is where we are now. 

The geographical location where you are born is the country from which you hail. 

There is a sorta-agreed-upon borderline where your country geographically begins and ends.

The borders define a sorta confinement of land upon which you may freely roam. 

So, there you are, on the physical land of the country upon which you are born. And there are a lot of other people who are born on this land with you, and they are your countrymen. You all belong to the same place, the same geographical area of Earth. And all of you need a place to eat, shit and sleep, and ideally you'd have some clothing and some purpose within the country, a role to play as a human person contributing to life here on Earth.

How do we then determine how best to use the land that is our country, and how do we then determine how best to distribute the uses of the land that is our country?

Nation

Statecraft exists to answer these types of questions. Statecraft is how you build a Country into a Nation. The Nation, of which you are a part, is the bureaucratic machine—or government—that essentially organizes your Country's people and resources. 

A Country's National Identity is essentially its governmental structure. 

A Nation is an Idea.

There are as many ways to build a Nation as there are ideas about how to build a Nation.

Statecraft is the art of building a Nation.

Taxes

Roads aren't free. Shit, even SHIT ain't free.

Every Citizen of a Country must financially contribute to the Nation that operates all of the bureaucracy of humans living together on a finite piece of land, because everything costs money. 

If you want to be a Citizen of a Country, you must pay to live there, because you will use the resources that the Nation has built for its Citizens to use, aka the Public, Public Services, e.g. the Public Library.

The poorer a Nation is the fewer tax-funded, public services it can provide. And a lot of Nations are not striving to provide more public services, even if they can afford to build them.

Even on Empire, public services are constantly under attack.

 

Human labor is expensive.

Living humans are even more expensive.

Healthy living humans are the most expensive.

In our Democracy, We Citizens of Empire, by determination of our Nation, have the right to vote, and we can vote on anything, including Taxes. 

^..^

We, Humans, We are all here, living on this rock, together, but we have to be born somewhere, on some land, and within those land borders are ideas about how to then organize and distribute the land's resources to the people who live on that land. In this Globalized landscape, Statecraft is not so simple.

Life does not equal Living.

And here, in the Now, of Today, we are struggling to find ways to create fairness, cause fairness is the thing toward which we are striving, as a democracy, because the opposite of fairness is life. Life is not fair. It's that simple. And so, as a Country with the National Identity of a Democracy, our Statecraft has determined that the goal of our Nation is to uphold Liberty, The Freedom to BE. Everyone is free to be whoever they are, as long as you don't harm anyone, or as long as you were exercising your own freedoms, but where's the line between freedom of expression and freedom to live without being shot by an idiot and freedom to shoot whoever I want because I'm an idiot?

Most Nations are not democracies, which means that their systems of government are top-down. No need to participate, cause you are a subject. 

Democracy is a down-up system. You are the object. Democracy is participatory. Democracy requires an active citizenry.   

So, it's kinda stupid to be a Citizen of Empire who complains about Empire, as if a complaint will create change. As if you are powerless to create change. A complaint is air. Creating change requires Action. Here on Empire you are free to take action. 

Think of that stupid ass sport, curling. #sorrynotsorry 

The marble stone is Life hurling through space.

We are the sweepers, the Nation making decisions. 

All we can possibly hope for

is mitigation against dangers real and perceived

guidance on how to get there while sacrificing the least amount of life possible

and a trajectory, cause like, can we think for one second about where we actually want to go!

But unlike the sport

the ice is endless

We are being hurled through time and space

expanding into an infinite number of dark unknowns

and so

how do we prepare

for that which cannot be known?