First off, I'm at the point in the process of this thing where I am fighting the urge to quit, not just the application but also, this site and writing and just, like, everything ... QUITTING. I feel like giving up, and every day I painstakingly chip away at this thing, I feel like giving up.
But then there's this really small voice, deep down in the darkness of my consciousness that points at me in my mind-face and speaks, in just the way that my adopted father used to speak when speaking to me with, what I would currently consider, a bit of a violent demeanor, "Don't you ever quit." As someone who was drafted into Vietnam and SURVIVED, yea, he has a bit of intensity with regards to very specific things about life, generally speaking.
Obviously, I'm not going to quit, because for once in my life, I finally know what I want to fucking DO with my life! I do also want to quit. Both of these things can be true at the same time.
^..^
So, we decided to register me for the LSAT in Week 5, and so, I've been spending Weeks 6 & 7 studying for the fucking LSAT. I started by going through a few drills on the LawHub site in Week 6, and then I started reading/doing the Lessons in Week 7 along with continuing to do some drills, and in the middle of Week 7, I was able to outline all of the remaining Lessons and Drills into an actual, doable syllabus. If I stick to the syllabus, I will finish all of the available free content that's provided, for free, by LawHub.
LawHub is some sort of sister-site with LSAC (the council that administers the LSAT and certifies any credentials required by each law school, and what I imagine, administers the Bar?) that provides some free practice materials and studying nonsense. Obviously, you can pay to get even more stuff. I, obviously, have zero inclination to pay, and when considering the timeline upon which I am working and the reality of my employment situation being that I have to continue to do my fucking job that is of full-time responsibility, I'll be lucky to finish the free shit. I'm not complaining; I'm explaining.
I barely have enough time to finish the free shit, but I do have enough time.
During the first week of doing drills, I was able to choose a solid half of the choices correctly. I have not timed myself, and I have been completing these 12-14-question drills anywhere between thirty and forty minutes, which is simply not fast enough. Then I started the Lessons in Week 7, and the lessons are enlivening but not as helpful as the internet, oddly enough, but I've been getting a few more than half correct on the drills, still not timed, just self-paced. And then, yesterday, I finally took a full practice test in Exam Mode.
"I did exactly as well as I do in all of my drills!" I lamented at the bodybuddy/lifemate.
And then he looked at me like I was crazy, "You just did the practice test in exam mode! Timed! You haven't been doing any timed anything! This is your first time doing any of this timed! And you still managed to answer just as many right?"
I had forgotten about that part.
I answered twice as many questions in half the time and performed equally well (a few more than half) as my self-paced drills. Dammit.
I guess I can't quit cause I'm too stupid.
Needless to say, I have had more meltdowns than I would like to admit (think, every other day, and you'll be in the ball park). Even without the stress of my job I would still have to confront my ego and my intellect, none of which my emotions are enjoying, at all. And all of this sort of made me realize why "growth" is so hard.
Growth is hard because, if you desire to grow, that means that you are currently existing with less-knowledge than you wish you had, for it is your desire to acquire more knowledge. What is growth but becoming smarter? What you're really doing, though, is admitting that you're "stupid" in some area, and so, you need to fill that bit in with knowledge so that you can "grow."
You cannot grow if you cannot admit that there are things that you do not know.
All of this law school application nonsense is forcing me to confront exactly how small and little I am, because what I want is to learn everything that law school teaches, but that means that I lack this knowledge, right now, presently, in this moment, and it is this reality that I must face every. single. fucking. day as I'm ...
... striving, striving, forever to be more.
I used to wonder why more people didn't go after the life they constantly say they want so much. I wonder no longer. It's apparent that the difficult part about living one's life is not the dread of the everyday. In fact, it is the everyday that tricks us into thinking that not-doing is better than doing, because, look, it's nice isn't it ... not-doing. I know the feeling. Not-doing is really great. It feels great while not-doing instead of doing (which is not the same as resting), but the feeling afterward, couldn't be worse.
Anyway, the bodybuddy/lifemate is doing a lot of emotional heavy-lifting these days, and I am very grateful for my double-air sign. He always knows exactly what to say to coax me from the ledge. I wanted to quit so bad this last week, and not because I don't want to go to law school, but because I sort of have a habitual reaction to things that are challenging &or require my tender little soul to be vulnerable in that way that's necessary to be accepted by some other thing or being, and so, we're working on creating a different relationship with my overall anxiety about "acceptance," because what I say does not match what I want for my life nor do they match the facts of my life.
No worries. This old hag is not going to quit. I'm simply still in the process of understanding the price for what I ultimately see to be an enormous payout.
With that said, I closed out Week 7 by finally starting the William S. Richardson School of Law application. It's simple and straight forward, and I was thrilled to see that a few of the topics I was mulling as touch-points in my Personal Statement are explicit questions asked within portions of the application. There are so many questions sprinkled throughout the application that I now have this totally open-ended approach to my Personal Statement. I also have to scratch out a Resume *barf*
There's also this other thing called the Lehua Scholars for Hawai'i residents that presents your application to a separate board who then takes into consideration the fact that maybe you don't have the "best" GPA or "good" LSAT score, and so, you are given an opportunity, if you want, to have your application considered by people who will hear your story, your trauma story, your explanation for your "poor" performance not reflecting your abilities, etc. The Scholars are also expected to be service-minded, which is obviously, right up my alley.
I keep flip-flopping on whether or not I will complete this portion. I understand that I've survived trauma and that I technically fulfill the criteria, but after living here for a little over a year, I think that I understand for whom the Scholars has really been created. Even though I am technically a resident of Hawai'i, I have not lived here long. I am also not of indigenous &or Hawaiian descent.
But I also don't know if I'm being stupid to not even be considered. It's the Lehua Scholars board's decision. So, maybe it's a yes, because I am trying, after all, to bring to life an idea that will hopefully mitigate some of the harms being done by capitalism-as-usual, namely those harms being done to those who belong to groups of people who have been historically, economically disenfranchised. But also, my GPA falls well within the range of accepted GPAs, and if the LSAT goes terribly wrong for some reason, I job a goddamn full-time job! I don't really know what I'd explain. I didn't perform poorly in college, and I will (optimistically, I am legitimately having the hardest time not spiraling into a death spiral of pessimism, so I am having to pretend to be optimistic, lest my words become true) have a kickass LSAT score *eyeroll* I don't want to have to explain myself. I want my application to speak for itself.
But maybe that's what makes me stupid.
The bodybuddy/lifemate says that the rest of my life, since the school is so adamant about communicating that they are considering my application as if I'm the whole person that I am and not just some number, really pads my application. He thinks that my LSAT score won't really matter at all, that I just need a score, cause it's a required element of the whole process, etc. I see what he's saying, but I ... I just don't know. You know? Also, I'm well over a decade older than the average (one imagines) graduate student. I am the diversity hire (race is not a factor, at this law school; if anything, i would be discriminated against, as an asian female, but since i am an OLD asian female, i'm back in a token position, lol).
*sigh*
Well, I worked a full-fucking shift at my job last night (it's 0900 [monday morning], now [now it's 0222 on tuesday morning when i'm reading/editing this thing for upload]), so I'm hella fucking tired, but I had to get this log logged, cause like, that's sorta the point *eyeroll*
I think that's it. If I forgot anything, I guess I'll jot it down for the next one *peace*