Not because my life is hard.
But because life is hard.
Physically, my day-to-day life is easy.
Existentially, my day-to-day life is hard.
I am relatively healthy.
I work hard toward my healthfulness.
But not too hard.
I am relatively sane.
I work hard toward my sanity.
A bit too hard.
&suddenly
my Theory of Too-Tightly
becomes relevant.
It's true. I'ma Dreamer. &I hitched my wagon to a Dreamer. As two Dreamers, we, often times, end up dreaming big. The thing that most Dreamers don't talk about, enough or at all, is the constant let down. You're working hard; you're dreaming hard; you're focused; you're doing it, and every day there's a twinge of hope that this is going to be The Day. And then the day passes and nothing's changed.
This sort of constant "let down" is a lot to bear over decades of pursuit.
We're well into our second decade.
The Dream has changed, of course, but only in detail not in essence. Essentially, we want to be financially free. We do not want to have to show up to some job for the money we need to live off of. This has been The Dream of ours since we first fucked and promptly moved in together after scooping up our degrees at CU.
We're both still jobbing, fortunate enough to be physically able to job enough hours at a high enough wage to afford our life. And we're still dreaming, pressing on for more.
But mentally, I've decided to quit.
It's not the first time, and I doubt it'll be the last, but, generally speaking, my soft little soul cannot suffer the let downs at this time. Each little non-starter, each little incremental step forward that transpires into nothing tangible, each little let down has worn me down to the point where I no longer see the point in any of my striving.
And so, I've decided to stop striving.
You cannot hold onto a thing loved too-tightly.
But you also cannot let it feel like you're willing to let it walk away.
(my Theory of Too-Tightly)
From the outside, nothing's really going to look any different.
I'll write when I want, what I want.
I'll document my life as I've always done.
On the inside, however, I hope for nothing, and then, I will not be disappointed. Existentially, I am going through the motions. The insides and the outsides will be mismatched for the time being.
I wish there was a way to turn off the stats for this site, cause I simply lack the will-power to not-look. &it's so strange that it is within this time of stats growth that I am the most depressed.
And I'm torn about whether or not I should make public any of my opinions regarding the Olympics (seems like an unpopular thing to be "into" these days) or the Democratic Presidential Nominee Harris (although, my true, deep thoughts on the situation will never be revealed, I could write a little something-something outta left field).
With more views comes greater risk.
Never. The. Less.
Speech Freed
Quite literally, my greatest fear, as of late, is being trapped at my job, for the rest of my life. It's a strange thing, and I had an irrational panic attack before I officially started my job around this time last year, and now, I still nearly panic at the thought of being economically trapped there, forever. It is not irrational of me to panic about my economic state, and to fear the fact that I have to be economically sustained by some job for the rest of my life, unless, I free myself.
It's just maybe not that healthy for me to panic about a thing that every human, in all of human history, except the ultra-privileged 0.01% of humanity who was/is "born rich," has experienced. And yes, I understand all of my privileges. Suffering is relative. Like, this is life. We are the sufferers, the overwhelming majority of humanity suffers every day, and the ultra-rich refuse to assist in the easing of our collective suffering.
That's like really fucking depressing.
It is no wonder that suicide seems like a rational alternative, like killing others is a rational response.
&so, I've been healthfully depressed. Yes, you can experience depression in a healthy way. It is not unnatural to feel the burdens of life (&living it) and feel overwhelmed or nothing at all from time to time. It is also not so unhealthy to feel hopeless from time to time. Nor is it a sign of insanity if you simply want to give up from time to time.
No human being is alone in any feelings that might be experienced by the human experience.
We all know what you're talking about when you share a feeling.
We might not know from the exact experience that gave you that feeling, but we have felt that feeling in our own way for our own reasons.
Being human is the experience that we all share, as humans.
&as a human, I'm having a hard time these days, on the inside.